SANTA  BACON

Back at the dawn of Phoole & the Gang, my wife Tiffany and I were in a grocery store that happened to have one of those toy-crane novelty machines - we call them 'claw machines' or 'grabby machines.' Players put in a coin or two, or a dollar most likely these days, and maneuver a crane 'claw' into position; when the machine's brief timer elapses after a few seconds, the claw drops down and either grabs a prize, or doesn't, and then retracts. If it grabs a prize, it drops the prize down a chute for the player to keep.

Tiffany happens to be a stone-cold grabby-machine hustler - she wins every time she plays. And on this particular occasion, we discovered this particular grabby machine had in it a very weird prize we'd never seen before: SANTA BACON. It was a stuffed-toy piece of bacon, with arms and legs and eyes and a moustache, and a Santa Claus hat. It made no sense at all. I wanted it. Tiff played and won it immediately, on the first try. 

As I gloatingly paraded it about the grocery store, Tiff said, "You now have to do a parody of 'Santa Baby,' but rewrite the lyrics so they're all about Santa Bacon instead." We re-wrote the lyrics together - and a crispy, delicious legend was born!

Here's the first live performance of 'Santa Bacon' from the 2013 Phooletide Special. It is barely-rehearsed and terribly-recorded - the PhooleStudio's tech and my know-how have improved over the past five years! But this version uses the iTunes-karaoke backing track and concurs with live-improvised puppet antics, so it's shaky-but-earnest. In subsequent versions, I tinkered with the MIDI of the karaoke version to change key, tempo and arrangement, and most recently I borrowed Mesha Steele's upbeat reggae instrumental - but in 2018, our precious and Phooligan-loved Phooletide pet parody project gets NEW LIFE with an amazing collaboration!

Cookin' Up Fresh Bacon Wiffs!

For Phooletide 2018 we wanted to make a version that's completely fresh and unique, so I worked up the nerve to ask one of my biggest music hero acts to collaborate...the venerable legends themselves, Skeewiff!...and I got my first Xmas present early when they immediately agreed! 

Skeewiff have a tradition of making brilliant and hilarious Wiffmas music-presents for their Skee-vilised society - here's a sampling of the Spirit of Wiffmas Past!

Lyrics

Santa Bacon,

just slip some strips right under the tree for me;
Been a hungry girl,

Santa Bacon,
So hurry to my kitchen tonight

 

Santa Bacon,

everybody knows you're a dish delish 
I'll save room for you, dear;

Santa Bacon,
So hurry to my kitchen tonight.


Bridge:
You're so crispy, brown and long -
You taste so good that I had to

rewrite this song!
You make everybody beg -
and you’re so good with scrambled eggs.

Santa Bacon, you're so delicious, salty and good;

I should
keep Kosher but I just can't!

Santa Bacon,
Jump onto my griddle tonight.

Santa Bacon,

I'll sprinkle you all over my grits
In bits ... taste so heavenly dear,

Santa Bacon,
Wrap you round some chestnuts tonight.

Santa Bacon,

breakfast lunch and dinner

with you
I'll chew,

nothing less will do.

Santa Bacon,
hurry to my skillet tonight.


Bridge:
Come and trim my BLT
any time of day is good enough for me;
For dessert I think I'll try
You with ice cream and apple pie

Santa Bacon,

the crispiest Kris Kringle of all -

just fall
Into my open mouth
Santa Bacon,

hurry and get in me tonight.
Hurry and you'll sizzle tonight.
Hurry, tonight!

 

A Note for Kosher, Vegan and Vegetarian Phooligans

In the PhooleHouse we don't actually eat bacon made from animal products. We like Morningstar Farms' Veggie Bacon Strips - and maybe you will too! They're delicious and great for your conscience! 

Morningstar Farms didn't pay us to say this. We just like 'em!

Merry Wiffmas to all...

..and to all a Good Phooletide!